How I figured out My Orientation
(My Story for Pride Month 2023)
Well well, look like this has been long overdue. But not to worry, it's something that I have been wanting to talking about for a couple of years So, as some of you already know, I'm Asexual Panromantic! And really, that is the simplists of way of describing it because trust me, there is a lot to go over especially with how I got to this point!
During some point, I was not really liking the guys romantically at the school. In fact, there was one point where I thought I was a lesbian.
That said, one night, I was vibed check by my own imagination and go kissed by a guy who was inspired off of the anime night designs and old anime style fan art of Geno from Super Mario RPG. (Yes, I'm dead serious)
I was still a lil unsure about my orientation but after a bit, and especially after watching Revolutionary Girl Utena during high school, it was at that point that I identified as Bisexual.
It was like that from 2011 all the way up to maybe 2014 at the mid point? After that, I kept flip-flopping on rather I was Demisexual Biromantic or Bisexual Demiromantic. It was, indeed a rather confusing time of my life.
Doesn't help that I was also in a relationship that while it has its good years, it was not exactly the best relationship on both my end and the other person's end; it went on for almost a decade. I won't go into the details of that as of now since that is its own can of worms for another therapy session.
So after flip-flopping, I just went back to identifying as Bi.
That is, until I had a conversation with a friend of mine and they said and I quote:
"I wouldn't be surprised if you were Asexual."
And that.. got me thinking.
While I know that a long of folks within the Ace-spec aren't Sex Repulsed, I sure as hell am. And the times I thought I'd be open for sexual stuff, I wasn't exactly honest with myself. I saw a video from someone expressing they experience discovering that they were aromantic and they mentioned the term for this sort of deal, which is called "compallo" (short for "compulsory allo")
I think in order for me to explaining compallo, I have have to bring up the definition for "comphet" ("compulsory heterosexuality")
Comphet is a term used for lesbian circles to describe a lesbian thinking that they are straight, likely due to society expectations. Gay men also used this term as well but it's not as common with them.
Compallo is like that but for Ace and Aro, thinking that they have to be Allosexual or Alloromantic (which is the opposite of Ace or Aro.). Though I know that it applies for AceAro folks and the Aro folks, it does applies for Ace Folks like myself as well.
So yeah, Compallo really fuck things up for me and I wasn't exactly honest with myself until 2020.
And to add on to this, I freaked the fuck out when an intentionally poor animated sex scene in a bootleg project! I wanted to hide under my desk after that.
And to hammer home about the signs pointing to me being Ace even before, during a Skype call I had with the dude I was in a relationship with, he asked me one thing that I did not know how to answer. I will paraphrase it because I forgot the exact wording but it was something a long the lines of:
"Would you be willing to bring our relationship to the next level?"
As I said, I wasn't too sure how to respond to it outside of maybe something a long the lines of:
"I'm not so sure at the moment.."
But really, looking back, I think I might've been uncomfortable with that question.
Now, I will be fair and stress this: Neither of us knew that I was Ace back then! As discomforting as this question is, I will be fair here as say that the guy didn't know!! Although, I mention this story to some of my friends who are not Ace and they also feel that the question is a little uncomfortable as well..
But yeah, I think that might've been the earliest signs of me being Ace.
And I just come to accept that in mid-2020.
I know that back before I knew Sexual Orientations and Romantic Orientations can be different from one another, I didn't think I'd be Ace since I thought being Ace is like being Asexual and Aromantic at the same time!
And while AceAro folks are valid, I do want to say that while I am Ace, I'm not exactly Aro, as I still feel romantic feelings. Hell, I'm sure that their are some folks that are Aro but not exactly Ace, as they might still feel sexual feelings. (Which is valid, even if I can't relate)
Although, if I were to get into another relationship, I am unsure on whether I'd like to be a purely Romantic Relationship with another Ace Person with some sort of romantic orientation (Or at the very least, someone who understands that I'm Ace) or something different like a Queerplatonic Relationship. Or hell, I know Soft Romo is a thing for A-spec folks!
In either way, outside of debating with myself what type of relationship I desire, I do have criteria of who I'd want in a relationship (Regardless of Romantic, Soft Romo, or Queerplatonic). BUT, that is a whole thing for another time. Just know that, my standards of what type of person I want to be with gone up tremendously. (That and also, I'm an old fart; I'm in my late 20s as of writing this. Just throwing that out there.)
But yeah, as for romantic orientation, I'd say I'm basically panromantic! It doesn't matter what gender the person is, as long as I vibe with them on a romantic level, I'd be super happy. Though, I know for me, that is basically the simplest way of putting it.
I know there are other forms of Physical Attraction outside of Sexual, like Sensual and Aesthetic as examples. And on the flip side, I know there are other forms of Emotional Attractions outside of Romantic, like Platonic, Queerplatonic, and Alterous as examples. So who knows: maybe those attractions differ from set in stone established orientations! But that is something that I sadly may not have the time to figure out. Thems the breaks, I'm afriad.
So really, I'd say that Ace-Pan is the best label for me! ^^ It's the perfect mid point of describing my orientation. Short (or semi-short if you want to go for the description of "Asexual Panromantic") and to the point!
And as for the question of "Does anyone in my family knew about this?"
So far, only one of my sisters (Antasia. Using fake names again) knows about it. It makes sense since she is a transwoman who also bisexual and is in a polycule of her own. But as for the rest of my family.... I am sorta afraid.
Like Maybe my mom and other sister (Cycira) would tolerate it?
I'm not sure about my dad though.... I know he wanted to have grandkids of his own. I mean technically, he sorta does with Cycira's kids but I'm assuming he means kids from his bloodline.
(Full disclosure: Cycira is only related to Antaisa and I through my mom, as my dad was not her first husband and Cycira is just my dad's step daughter..)
And that might be impossible since:
- Antasia is trans. She may not be able to.
- Again, I'm a Sex-Repulsed Ace.
So, unless there is some new wave of technology that would involve getting my DNA samples, putting said samples in a tube thing, and have that make a child for me through that, I may just have to settle for adoption....
...that is, IF I'm ready for kids. Because unless I get to that point, I don't think I'm ready. Like, I already went into a gosh dang autistic shutdown every time my nieces being just a little bit over-baring at points (especially when they tend to have problems with one another)
Anyways, I got on a tangent for a bit: BOTTOM LINE.
I'm not sure if my dad would accept me being Ace.
And don't get me started on my mom's boyfriend if he were to have opinions about that, GOOD. GRAVY.
But I don't want to end this on a shitty as hell note so, let's leave it at that and just wrap things up, shall we?
Sooooo, yeah, it has been quite the journey. There were some downs but there were highs and finally out that I was Ace is the height of it all! And I'm happy that my friends were happy about me figuring it as (As well as not being too shocked about it because to them, me being Ace with a romantic attraction makes the most sense.).
Aaaand that's all she wrote! Thank you for talking your time to read this; hopefully it wasn't too much to read!